I'm half a man at best
by stirringofmysoul
Summary: When Eddie's life spirals out of control a familiar face from his past may be the only person who can save him. *AU*
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

_Author's Note: The following story is an *AU* For the purposes of this fanfic neither Sydney and Adrian nor Jill and Eddie's romantic relationships have taken place._

Eddie Castile raced across the building, the bottom of his shoes slapping the concrete floor so loudly it sounded like a herd of elephants approaching. Guardians were trained to be stealth, but when Sydney concocted a fireball…resulting in half the structure being set on fire…he had a feeling Jill's captors knew the cavalry had arrived.

The sandy blonde haired Dhampir skidded around a corner and slowed his trajection when he heard a pair of voices speaking in whispered tones. He strained to hear what was being said but only caught snippets.

Princess.

Blood.

That was enough to let Eddie know he was in the right place. He had been given explicit instructions to wait for back up. Going into an unknown situation was risky, but going in alone was just plain stupid. Eddie swallowed and pressed himself flat against the wall. Ten…he'd count to ten and if no one else showed up he was going in.

One, two, three, four…

The number sequence was cut short by the sound of Jill's scream. Eddie sprang into action pouncing on the first Strigoi he came in contact with. Luckily the element of surprise was on his side and he was able to easily stake the 'awakened' creature. Unfortunately pale face's partner in crime was now aware of his presence. The creature ran towards Eddie with the force of a freight train. Despite his own superior strength Eddie stumbled backwards. Just as he gathered enough energy to fight back the Strigoi crumbled into a heap on the ground. Eddie turned around and saw Rose Hathaway and Adrian Ivashkov standing in the doorway.

Rose ran towards the Strigoi, her long hair whipping behind her, to retrieve the silver stake she had used to annihilate him while Adrian tended to the bound Dragomir princess.

Eddie's eyes scanned the room to make sure there weren't any other unwelcome guests when he felt a chill run down his spine. He turned around prepared to attack when he saw Jill standing before him. "What…" he stammered. How could she be…

"This is YOUR fault," the usual sweet and quiet Moroi snapped at him. "If you had just done what you were supposed to I wouldn't be dead!"

"Jill, I…" Eddie stammered.

"She's lost so much blood!" the black haired Moroi screamed. Eddie turned and saw Adrian holding Jill's limp body in his arms. Her neck had been slit open soaking her entire body in a thick coat of blood.

"EDDIE!" Jill yelled at him. "EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE…" she repeated.

Eddie tried to open his mouth…but nothing came out. He pushed his lips together and opened them up again… still nothing.

"Eddie…Eddie…"

The guardian blinked his hazel eyes open and found himself staring up at Alchemist extraordinaire and part time witch, Sydney Sage.

"Eddie," Sydney said softly. "Can you hear me?" Her golden eyes full of concern.

Eddie closed his eyes again before nodding his head. "Yeah, I can hear you," he croaked softly. A dream…oh thank God…he had just been dreaming. Jill was…

…dead.

Though the events in his head weren't happening at the moment they had occurred. He had gone in to rescue Jill without back up…Adrian hadn't been able to heal her. She was gone.

"Were you having a bad dream?" Sydney asked him.

"Where am I?" Eddie asked when he was finally able to focus. He definitely wasn't in his apartment. And why was Sydney there? They hadn't been close in a long time.

Sydney paused before she replied, "The hospital. You took a nasty spill…"

Eddie tried to recall the events of the past few hours. Today was his day off. The last thing he could remember was meeting up with a friend for a drink. He looked up at Sydney hoping she could fill in the blanks.

"You were…drunk and got into a fight at the bar…" Sydney revealed to him. "Your knee is messed up…and you broke your hand…"

As if her words had power Eddie felt a sharp pain in both of the aforementioned places on his body. "Shit, how am I going to work…" he said with a groan.

"That's the rest of the story…you've been suspended…" Sydney admitted.

"Suspended?" Eddie exclaimed, wincing a little. Okay, sudden movements…bad.

"Eddie," Sydney said softly. "This isn't the first time you've been in a fight…and there have been other incidents…"

Since Jill's death Eddie had been a bit reckless when it came to his work as a Court guardian. He had several warnings in his file reprimanding his act first, think later mentality.

"Fuck," he muttered and leaned back against the pillows on the hospital bed. "For how long?" he asked.

"There's going to be a hearing in two months to check on your progress," Sydney explained to him.

"My progress?" Eddie asked. "Like they need to check and make sure sitting around agreed with me?"

"It's a little more than that," Sydney said to him. "In light of your relationship with Lissa they've agreed to allow you the chance to get your drinking and your attitude under control instead of releasing you from your duties immediately."

"What does 'under control' mean?" Eddie asked her.

"It means no more drinking and you have to see a therapist," Sydney said plainly.

"No, no way!" Eddie said quickly. "I can knock off the drinking, but I am not talking to some head shrinker!"

"Eddie, you really don't have a choice," Sydney said. "If you want your position back…"

"I can handle it myself. I don't need help from anyone," Eddie spat.

Sydney took a breath and nodded. "I know your life has been…difficult to say the least, but…just think about it. About everything," she said. She placed a business card on the tray next to his bed. "That's the doctor's information. I have to get to work." She hesitated before leaning down to kiss his forehead and then exiting the room.

Therapy? What could talking possibly do to make the pain in his heart ever go away?

Eddie flipped the card over so he could call and tell this joker to fuck off. The fancy script read…

_Adrian Ivashkov._

This definitely had to be a dream.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Eddie was released from the hospital a few days later. The doctor had prescribed some painkillers and the nurse had given him a physical therapy schedule. He had a long road ahead of him, but none of the damage was permanent.

After entering his apartment he locked the door behind him and hobbled over to the kitchen. He opened up the refrigerator and instinctively reached for a beer. He paused for a second…Sydney said he was supposed to cut out the drinking…before grabbing the can and cracking it open. It's not like he was going on trial (or whatever she had called it) today. He needed something to take the edge off the aching in his knee and hand…not to mention the constant pain he carried around in his heart. He took a long sip of the beer before settling in on the couch.

He flipped on the television set, not particularly paying attention to what was on the screen. He had his own depressing program playing on a constant loop in his head.

_ After assessing that the creature was dead Rose turned her attention towards Eddie. "You were supposed to wait for me!" Rose snapped._

_Before Eddie could reply he heard a panicked voice. "__She's lost so much blood!__" Adrian screamed._

"_Shit," Rose swore when she saw Jill in his arms. She took Adrian's face in her hands. "Adrian. You have to heal her. Focus…" she said firmly._

"_I don't know…if I can…can I do it again…?" Adrian stammered, clearly rattled by the dying girl in his lap._

"_You have to try," Rose said to him, clearly trying to hold it together. _

_Adrian placed his hands on Jill's chest and closed his eyes. "Come on, Jailbait…come on…" he whimpered. His green eyes flashed as he opened them up to look at the Dhampirs. "It's not working…nothing is happening…I don't feel anything…" Adrian sputtered._

"_No, no…you cannot stop trying!" Rose yelled at the spirit user. _

That was the last thing Eddie remembered. The doctors said he had gone into a state of shock and blocked out the rest of the traumatic event. The traumatic event…that's what they called it. Those words didn't even begin to skim the surface of what had happened that night.

The moment Eddie had been training for since he was a child. The moment when his Moroi needed him the most.

And what had he done? Absolutely nothing.

He had sat there completely frozen while Adrian tried desperately to revive the girl they had all been swore to protect. He was a failure. Simple as that.

There was no mourning period after Jill was laid to rest. A trial was held for the Alchemists and Moroi who had kidnapped the princess. There had been a number of Strigoi involved as well, but their whereabouts were unknown. All the while dissidents clamored for Lissa to be removed from the throne.

Everyone from the Palm Springs contingent had testified at the proceedings. Sydney had been under the most pressure, having to speak against her own people. After the criminals were charged and sentenced the Alchemist organization underwent a change in leadership. New representatives were placed in various Alchemists centers across the world. Together they worked collectively for the good of both humans and vampires. Sydney had been assigned to a center near Court.

Just as talks were set to begin on the legitimacy of Lissa's rule the Dragomir Queen found out she was pregnant. This news silenced the issue.

And life continued on. Eddie was assigned to work at Court. The guardians thought it best he if he didn't work in a one-on-one capacity. Basically they didn't trust him not to screw up again. He really couldn't blame them. Half the time he didn't trust himself.

Eddie knew he'd never been the person he had been before all of this. He didn't have the same drive to protect and serve as he once had. Though Sydney, Adrian, Dimitri, and Rose tried to keep his spirits up eventually his sour attitude pushed them all away. He still saw them around Court, but he was no longer a member of their tight knit group. In fact the brief conversation he had had with Sydney the other day was the most he had spoken to her in months.

The combination of the alcohol and painkillers started to take affect allowing him to have a deep and dreamless sleep for the first time in a long time. He woke up startled when there was a loud knock on his door. He debated ignoring whoever it was, but the knocking persisted.

"Just a second…" he said hoarsely. He momentarily forgot about his knee, but was quickly reminded of his injury when he tried to stand up. "Fuck," he muttered and reached for his crutches. He slowly made his way to the door and opened it enough to see who was on the other side.

"Hi, I went back to the hospital, but they told me you had been released…can I come in?" Sydney asked him.

Eddie unceremoniously flung the door the rest of the way open and trudged back to the couch. "I haven't seen you in longer than I can remember and now here you are again," he said.

"I tried to keep in touch," Sydney pointed out. She sat down in an armchair across from him.

"Yeah, but I was too much of an emo fuck for anyone to be around for more than five minutes," he replied.

Sydney paused before speaking. "None of us can possibly understand how you feel, but no one has turned their back on you," she tried to explain.

"It's fine…it's whatever," Eddie said to her. He rubbed his hand over his face. "How did you get roped into being the guardian errand girl?"

"I figured I was the most removed person from…that night," Sydney said. "And maybe you'd listen to me."

She wasn't totally wrong. She hadn't been in the room where Jill was murdered. "Okay, I have another question," he told her.

"What's that?" she said.

"How the hell did Adrian become a therapist?" he asked her. "I mean…first of all he's the poster child for needing a therapist and secondly, enough time hasn't passed for him to get the license or whatever it is you need."

"After everything happened…Adrian decided he wanted to give back…try to help people…since he hadn't been able to help Jill," Sydney explained. "So he started working at the hospital as a kind of art therapist."

"And that's who the guardians want me to see?" Eddie asked in disbelief.

"Why would you think that?" Sydney asked him in confusion.

"The card you left for me at the hospital…" Eddie explained and fished it off the end table next to him.

"Oh, that was my mistake…I meant to give you Dr. Tarus' card," Sydney said to him. "But maybe seeing Adrian too might help you feel better."

"I don't think I'm next Picasso," Eddie snorted.

"It's not about that," Sydney said. "It's about using it as an outlet to express yourself. I think it's pretty clear you're keeping a lot of things inside. "

"This is so ridiculous," Eddie said with a groan. "I liked it better when everyone was leaving me alone."

"And look how that turned out," Sydney commented, cutting him quite the look.

Okay…she wasn't wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Is this a joke?" Sydney asked…well, actually it sounded more like a shriek than a question.

Eddie blinked his eyes open and saw Sydney looming over him. "Good morning to you too," he said through a yawn.

"Do you know what time it is?" she demanded…her normally light eyes blazing bright.

"Umm…I'm guessing I missed breakfast," he weakly tried to joke.

"I'm glad you think this is all so funny," Sydney practically spat. "You're already in trouble with the guardians do you think skipping out on your therapy session is going to get you back in their good graces?"

"Oh…was that today?" Eddie asked lamely. He knew damn well his first session with Dr. Tarus was today. It was the only thing on his mind. He was dreading it the way a kid dreads the first day of school. That was why the night before he had had a few drinks to relax him enough to fall asleep. Apparently it was one drink too many.

"Don't play dumb with me," Sydney said sharply. "At least you're going to physical therapy…you are going, right?"

Eddie sat up and rolled his eyes. "What? You mean you're not having me followed to PT and then calling and getting a daily report from the therapist?" he snapped. "And how did you even get in my apartment?" He certainly hadn't given her a key.

"You know…I was treating you with kid gloves because what happened to you was awful," Sydney said to him. "But clearly the only way this is going to work is if I play hardball…so listen up. You are too good of a guardian to be stuck guarding the gate at Court. You are too good of a person to be treating yourself and the people who care about you like this. So here's the deal. You're going to get up, splash some cold water on your face, and march your happy ass down to Dr. Tarus' office. You're going to apologize for missing your appointment, ask to reschedule, and assure him you're going to be at every meeting from now on. You're going to continue the physical therapy and cut out the drinking…completely. I will pour every bottle of alcohol down the drain myself if I have to. And maybe just maybe…if you do this you'll get out of the deep shit you're in. And I'm a witch…did you really think a deadbolt could stop me?" she finished.

Eddie blinked a few times. Her words struck a chord. "Did you just say happy ass and deep shit?" he asked her after a moment's pause.

"Just get up," Sydney said and threw a pillow at his head.

XXX

The only thing more awkward than spilling your guts to a complete stranger is spilling your guts to someone you used to be close with. But Sydney was right…if Eddie wanted to get back in the good graces of the Guardian Council he needed to show he was working really hard at self-improvement. So that meant in addition to his physical therapy sessions (which were painful), sessions with Dr. Tarus (which were more painful than the PT), talking with Sydney (which was sometimes harder than both) he needed to try this art therapy thing. He put it off as long as he could…but finally bit the bullet.

"I have an appointment with Adrian Ivashkov," Eddie said to the receptionist.

The pretty Moroi woman smiled and then looked down at her register. "Eddie Castile?" she asked him. He nodded yes in response. "Adrian is just finishing up with another patient, but if you want to go back and have a seat he'll be with you shortly." She tilted her head towards the two long black tables behind her.

"Thank you," Eddie replied. He tucked his crutches under his arms and took a seat on one of the empty stools. He looked around the room while he waited. There was drawings covering every inch of the wall, papier-mâché monstrosities hanging from the ceiling, and various attempts at pottery lining the shelves. His surroundings reminded him of a pre-school classroom…on steroids.

"Edison Castile…as I live and breathe," Adrian said as he took a seat across from Eddie. His ever present devil may care smirk on his lips.

"You're a vampire," Eddie pointed out.

"A mortal one," Adrian corrected him. "When I saw your name on the schedule I thought it was a mistake, but here you."

"Here I am," Eddie confirmed. He didn't really want to talk about himself or the circumstances surrounding his sudden interest in learning the finer points of watercolor. "So…this…is a change for you," he commented.

Adrian chuckled. "You could say that," he agreed. "Remember how Sydney was always telling me I was squandering my potential?"

"Yeah, sure…those comments usually came after she picked you up from the previous night's conquest's house," Eddie replied.

"Ah, the good old days," Adrian said with a wistful sigh. "Life was pretty easy back then. But anyway…turns out she was right…don't you hate it when she's right?" he said.

Eddie chuckled a little bit. "Yeah, she is right a lot," he agreed.

"Anyway, turns out I'm pretty good at this therapy thing. Who knew?" Adrian said with a chuckle of his own.

Eddie rubbed the back of his neck. "So how does this all work?" he asked him.

"Well, it's different for everyone," Adrian explained. "It's all about expressing how you're feeling at the moment. Whether it be through drawing, painting, sculpting," he ticked off.

"And it helps?" Eddie asked skeptically.

"Oh, yeah," Adrian said with a big smile. "I mean, in addition to talking to your regular therapist, of course. Sydney said you might try to count this as your only source of therapy and I shouldn't let you."

Eddie snorted a laugh. "God, she's never going to stop mothering us, is she?" he asked.

"I could think of worse things than having someone look out for you," Adrian reasoned.

"You really have changed," Eddie said with a shake of his head.

"Yeah, well…after that night I grew up pretty fast," Adrian said softly.

Eddie swallowed hard. This was exactly what he didn't want to talk about. He clapped his hands together. "Okay, so where's a good place to start?" he asked.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Eddie pushed up the sleeve on his shirt and scratched the skin on his wrist. Something about being in Dr. Tarus' office made him uncomfortable…and itchy. Maybe he was allergic to the leather covering the couch. He idly wondered if the Guardian Council would buy that as an excuse for him to cease and desist these sessions.

Probably not.

"Good afternoon, Eddie," Dr. Tarus said as he walked into the room.

"Hello, hi…" Eddie stammered. Despite speaking to the doctor twice a week for the past month the older Moroi still made the Dhampir nervous. Like what was he always writing down? And why did he sigh so much?

"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Tarus asked after sitting down in his chair.

"O…okay," Eddie said, unsure. He never knew if he was supposed to give longer responses.

"I've gotten good reports from your physical therapist," Dr. Tarus said. "He says you're healing nicely. That's very encouraging news."

"Um, yeah…I mean…my knee doesn't hurt as much," Eddie replied. The doctor didn't say anything. "I feel stronger," he added just to fill the awkward silence.

"Mmmhmm," Dr. Tarus sighed and jotted something down on his legal pad. He looked back up at Eddie. "Anything you'd like to talk about?"

He always asked this and as usual Eddie replied, "No, not really."

"Mmmhmm," the doctor said and wrote down something else. "I'd like to try something new today."

"Yeah, sure," Eddie agreed. Doing something other than hear Dr. Tarus said 'Mmmhmm' sounded great to him.

"We're going to do word association. I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind," the doctor explained.

"Okay," Eddie replied. That sounded easy enough. He pulled his sleeve back down and looked at Dr. Tarus.

"Work," he said.

"Hard," Eddie replied.

"Weak," Dr. Tarus said.

"Protect," Eddie answered.

This went on for another ten words until Dr. Tarus said, "Jill."

Eddie felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room when her name was uttered. "No," he replied.

"No?" Dr. Tarus asked.

"I don't want to do this anymore," Eddie replied. He crossed his arms over his chest not caring if he looked like a petulant child.

"Don't you think it's time we talked about her," Dr. Tarus said gently.

"The guardians wanted me to come talk to you…they never said what it was what we needed to talk about," Eddie pointed out.

"The council wants you to heal…and I think talking about the late princess is part of that healing process," Dr. Tarus replied.

He tightened his arms around his chest. "No," he said again.

"Mmmhmm," the doctor sighed as his hand flew across the page. Once he had finished he looked up at the clock. "Our time is up…anything you want to add?"

"See you on Thursday," he said gruffly and bolted out of the room.

Eddie exited the office and once he was far enough away he leaned against the wall and tried to remember how to breathe. He closed his eyes, but the second he did images of Jill lying in Adrian's arms flashed through his head. "Fuck…" he muttered to himself. He balled his fist and wound his arm back to take out his aggression on the wall, but before he could a familiar voice stopped him.

"Whoa, hey…" Adrian said gently. "Probably not a good idea to have two broken hands. I mean…things could get awkward quickly."

Eddie eyes blinked open and focused on Adrian's emerald ones. Unlike most people they didn't have that look of pity in them…just genuine concern. "Tough therapy session," he said softly…not that Adrian had asked.

"Yeah, Dr. Tarus is something else," Adrian agreed. He then mimicked the sigh and note jotting motion. "It's impossible to read the guy."

Eddie couldn't help but laugh a little at the imitation. "You see him too?" he asked curiously.

Adrian nodded his head yes. "I don't know if it's helping, but…it's good to talk," he replied with a shrug.

Eddie rubbed his hand over his face. "I need a drink," he mumbled between his fingers.

"As much as I agree with you…I think Sage would kick my ass if I let you go to the bar," Adrian said with a chuckle. He slung his arm around his shoulder. "Come on…let's try something else."

XXX

"Now see…I was expecting a strip club," Eddie said as they walked into the art therapy studio.

"Only losers go there during the day," Adrian said. "I know…I used to be one of those guys." He ducked into the supply closet while Eddie settled onto a stool.

"I really don't feel like making a papier-mâché duck," Eddie mused.

"Good thing that's not what we're doing," Adrian said and emerged from the closet with a small bucket of paintbrushes.

"Are you sure this is better than a strip club?" Eddie joked.

"Of course…less chance of contracting crabs too. Just trust me," Adrian said to him. "Can you get the poster paints out of the cabinet?"

Eddie hopped over to the cabinet to retrieve the paint. "So what exactly are we doing?" he asked.

"Today we're going to do some interior decorating," Adrian replied.

"And that's going to help me feel better?" Eddie asked skeptically. He set the paints down on the table and took his seat again.

"You were going to punch the wall to make yourself feel better…I think this should work just as well," Adrian reasoned. He grabbed a large brush out of the bucket and handed it to Eddie.

Eddie stared at the brush before twirling it in his functioning hand. "Does this count as one of my sessions?" he asked Adrian.

"Sure, why not? I'm in a good mood today," Adrian said with a chuckle.

"I should get this in writing," Eddie said. "Sydney won't believe me otherwise."

"Alright, enough talking," Adrian told him. He unscrewed a bottle of paint, dipped his brush in it, and flung it against the wall. Eddie raised an eyebrow. "You try," Adrian told him.

"Umm, alright," Eddie said. He dipped his brush in the bottle and smeared it against the wall.

"Weak," Adrian huffed. "You're a guardian for god sake…show that paint who's boss."

Eddie dipped the brush again and flung the paint with more force.

"You're killing me, Castile," Adrian scoffed.

This time Eddie's splatter hit the wall so hard that the structure shook beneath his touch.

"Good!" Adrian encouraged him. "Keep going!"

Again and again Eddie flung the paint against the wall. This was for whatever stupid guardian thought therapy was an effective treatment. This was for Sydney (who was always right). This was for Dr. Tarus' irritating sigh. This was for the pale faced abomination who had taken away his best friend.

Eddie stopped and let the brush fall from his fingers. He stumbled back into the stool and felt something wet streaking down his cheeks. He quickly wiped away the tears he hadn't even realized escaped. He looked over at Adrian.

"I miss her…" he whispered.

Adrian clapped a hand on Eddie's shoulder. "Me too."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Adrian tells me you're very creative," Sydney said between bites of her sandwich. The two had met up for lunch during Syd's break.

Eddie took a sip of water. "Jeehz, I feel like a celebrity…not one minute of privacy," he joked.

"Not true," Sydney replied. "I don't know anything about your sessions with Dr. Tarus."

"That's only because he's bound by law not to say anything to you," Eddie pointed. He paused before adding, "I'm surprised you let something like that stop you."

"Don't think I haven't tried," Sydney said with a wink. "But seriously…you seem lighter."

"Okay, now don't let this go to your head, but…that day you yelled at me. It kind of set everything in motion," he admitted to her. "I felt like I had something to prove."

"I normally don't believe in bullying people, but I didn't know what else to do," Sydney said.

"Well…thanks for never giving up on me," Eddie replied. Because he had completely given up on himself.

"You never gave up on me," she pointed out. "After I got kidnapped…" she trailed off.

Even though Eddie was making minimal progress in opening up about events from the past he still felt pretty uncomfortable talking about them. "Let's just call it even."

"Or maybe you could make me a vase for my coffee table," Sydney teased him.

XXX

"How much further?" Adrian asked as he followed behind Eddie. It felt like they had been on this trail forever.

He looked over his shoulder. "Man, I have a screwed up knee and I'm still kicking you ass on this hike," Eddie replied.

"This body," Adrian said and gestured to himself. "was not made for manual labor or physical exertion." Eddie narrowed his eyes. "Okay, SOME physical exertion," he amended.

"That's what I thought. Almost there," Eddie assured him with a laugh. He turned back around and continued on their trek.

"I've heard that before," Adrian mumbled under his breath as he fell in step behind Eddie.

The two walked in silence for a while longer. Usually the quiet drove Eddie crazy, but this was a companionable calm.

"Here we are," Eddie said and paused at the end of the trail.

Adrian looked at the view and nodded. "Alright, you win…this is a pretty cool spot," he said. You could see Court in its entirety from this vantage point.

Eddie shrugged his backpack from his shoulders and sat down on the grass. "Lissa told me when Jill wanted to get away from all the…royalness of being a royal she came here," he revealed.

"Oh," Adrian said softly. He took a seat beside the Dhampir. "I can see why…it's pretty serene. Kind of makes Court look like a dollhouse. Less intimidating."

"I came here a lot right after she died," Eddie said in a tone barely above a whisper. "It was like I could feel her here…is that dumb?" He looked over at Adrian.

"No, no way," Adrian said quickly. "I think it makes a lot of sense. After I got back to Court…after it happened…I drank…a lot. It was the only way to keep myself from feeling…because the only thing I felt like was a failure and I hated that. But after hitting rock bottom I knew I could do better. I had to do better for her…even if she wasn't here to see it. Does that make sense?"

"I…never thought about it like that…" Eddie said softly.

"When I couldn't bring her back…I felt like what was the point of even having spirit if I couldn't use it to help someone like her. Someone as innocent and pure and sweet as Jill…" Adrian said.

"But…I mean…you seem to be handling things okay," Eddie said to him. He didn't realize all of this was going through Adrian's head.

"Like I said…," Adrian said softly. "It was a long road, but with Syd's help and then helping the people at the hospital I felt like I was honoring Jill…and she deserves that."

Eddie wiped at the pesky tears on his cheeks. "God, I have never cried this much in my life," he said.

Adrian slung an arm around his shoulder and squeezed gently. "I promise I won't tell," he said.

He rested his head on Adrian's shoulder. "All I ever wanted to do was be a guardian," Eddie whispered. "I mean…I was literally born to be a guardian. But it was more than that. I wanted to protect people. And when I couldn't save Jill…I felt like a failure."

"It wasn't your fault," Adrian said as idly rubbed his shoulder with his thumb.

"Yes, it was. A lot of things are my fault. I practically let Syd run into her kidnappers' arms…and when Jill needed me the most I let her down," Eddie whimpered. "And I will never ever get to make it up to her."

"That's not true," Adrian said softly, but firmly. "It's not too late. You can be the person Jill knew you were. You can be the best guardian. You can be the best man. You have it in you…you've always had it in you."

"You really believe that?" Eddie asked softly. He looked up at Adrian, his eyes shining.

Adrian gently wiped the stray tears that had collected on Eddie's cheeks. "I really believe that. It's as hokey as hell, but I think it's true," he told him.

"I'm scared about the hearing. If they take away my job…I've have nothing left. Absolutely nothing," Eddie said through a sniffle.

"Okay, even if that does happen…which I really doubt…you still have Sydney. You still have me. You're not alone and you never will be," Adrian told him. Eddie closed his eyes as Adrian kissed his forehead gently.

"Will you be at the hearing?" Eddie asked hopefully as he looked up at him.

"Of course I will be," Adrian said to him. "Sage and I will be there supporting you 100%. We might even make t-shirts."

"Thanks," Eddie said with a little laugh. He took a deep breath and untangled himself from the Moroi, sitting up now. "Thanks for everything."

"See…I told you I was useful," Adrian said with a wink.

"Okay, I wouldn't go that far," Eddie replied.

"Hey!" Adrian huffed, but had a smile on his lips.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you for your kind reviews!_

**This chapter is rated M for Mature.**

Chapter Six

"Man, I wish I could have a drink," Eddie said. He leaned back against Adrian's couch. His hearing was a week away. The waiting was driving him crazy. Spending time with Adrian was the only thing keeping him sane anymore.

Adrian paused the movie they were watching and looked over at Eddie. "What's on your mind?" he asked him.

Eddie gave him a duh look. "What do you think is on my mind?" he replied.

"I know that," Adrian said with a roll of his eyes. "I was just looking for specifics," he clarified.

Eddie tried to think of how to explain it. "Right now I'm in limbo…there's no good news or bad news. That's kind of working me up. But…at least right now I can still have hope," he told him. "Once the final decision comes down…I mean…it's over…but it could also really be OVER. And if that's the case I'd rather have the stress of not knowing."

"Okay, first of all," Adrian said to him. "You need to breathe because I have no idea how you just said all of that without pausing. Second…I understand what you're saying, but you have to relax."

"That's easy for you to say," Eddie mumbled.

Adrian tucked his fingers under Eddie's chin and turned his head so they were looking at one another. "Repeat after me," he said to him.

"Adrian," Eddie groaned and tried to turn his head away, but the Moroi held firm.

"Eddie," he replied. "Repeat after me. I am not going to stress about my hearing."

"I am not going to stress about my hearing," he murmured.

"I am a good guardian and a good person. I worked hard to get my life together and I deserve a second chance," Adrian said.

"I am a good guardian and a good person. I worked hard to get my life together and I deserve a second chance," Eddie repeated, a little louder this time.

"I am going to believe Adrian when he says everything will be okay," Adrian said.

"I am going to believe Adrian when he says everything will be okay." Eddie said with a little smile.

"I am going to refill Adrian's glass and snack bowl because they are empty," Adrian said.

"I am going to…hey!" Eddie said, his smile full blown now.

"Seriously…I think you ate all the pretzels…and that's just not cool," Adrian said with a smirk as he released Eddie's face from his grip.

"Oh, I'll tell you what's not cool," Eddie said and playfully pinned Adrian against the arm of the couch.

"Ugh…even in your weakened state you're still like a god," Adrian huffed from underneath Eddie.

"Seeing as you've been teaching me about art maybe it's time you've learned a little self- defense," Eddie teased him, easing up his arm a little bit.

"Nah, I don't need muscles to get out of a situation like this," Adrian remarked.

"What's your plan then?" Eddie asked with a laugh.

"This," Adrian said and leaned up on his elbow so he could press his mouth against Eddie's lips.

Eddie gasped into the kiss. He had never kissed a guy before…he had never thought about kissing a guy before, but somehow…kissing Adrian made all the sense in the world.

Adrian broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against his. Eddie swallowed and licked his lips before leaning in to initiate the gesture this time. "Oh," Adrian whimpered softly as their lips met. He slipped his fingers through Eddie's cropped hair and pulled him closer.

Eddie responded not only by kissing him again, but by pressing his body against Adrian's as well. It was if there was some magnetic force pulling him towards the Moroi. Adrian slid his hand along his muscled back, rolling his hips up to meet his in kind. "Fuck…" Eddie whimpered when the friction started to increase between them.

"Mmm," Adrian groaned as he pulled Eddie's t-shirt up and over his head. He tossed it on the floor and looked up at his face before his eyes trailed down his chest. "You Dhmapirs are all man…" he sighed.

Eddie chuckled a little. "Let's see what Morois are made of…" he whispered and unbuttoned Adrian's shirt, the fabric falling away from his chest. He pressed his lips to Adrian's shoulder and sucked the newly exposed skin.

"Oh," Adrian sighed, his chest rising and falling steadily. "My…room…" he stammered.

"Yeah, yeah…good idea," Eddie panted in agreement. He took a few breaths (and a few more kisses) before pulling himself away from Adrian and getting up to his feet.

Adrian stood up as well. He slipped his hands into Eddie's and pulled him slowly down the hallway to his bedroom, pausing to press him against the wall every few steps.

Eddie's heart was beating so hard he was surprised Adrian couldn't hear it. Everything in his life was so messy right now. He wasn't sure if this was a good idea, but god…the way being with Adrian felt.

They collapsed onto the bed…Adrian taking control as he rolled on top of him. Eddie rested his hands on his hips and leaned up to kiss him desperately. Adrian smiled as he kissed back, deeper this time…letting his tongue trace the inside of Eddie's mouth. His fingers worked quickly to unzip Eddie's jeans…pushing away the denim and then his boxers. "Shit," he gasped when he took in Eddie's naked form.

"No fair…you need to be naked too…" Eddie said with a pout.

Adrian grinned. "Why don't you fix that?" he suggested.

Eddie didn't need to be told twice. He unbuttoned Adrian's pants and peeled away the clothing from his body. "Shit…" he echoed.

Adrian chuckled a little against his mouth and slowly slipped a finger deep inside of Eddie. "Mmm," Adrian murmured softly as he touched him.

"Oh god…" Eddie groaned; screwing his eyes shut tightly. He had never been with anyone before…why had he waited so long?

"Good…you're so good…" Adrian whispered against his ear, his tongue sliding along the shell.

"I wanna feel you…I need you…" Eddie practically begged.

"You will, promise…" Adrian assured him. He whined a little as he grew harder against Eddie's leg.

"Oh," Eddie realized and wrapped his hand around Adrian's length, pumping slowly at first and then rather erratically. Eddie was so used to being in control that it felt good to let go.

"Fuck," Adrian whimpered as he felt Eddie's touch, adding in a second finger. Eddie was so tight. It felt so good. It took all of Adrian's strength not to take him right there.

"Adrian…god, please…" Eddie begged him, already starting to come undone.

Okay, so maybe Adrian's resolve wasn't THAT strong. He removed his fingers and pushed himself inside the Dhampir.

"Ohmygod…" Eddie gasped, letting out a string of expletives along with that cry.

Adrian laced their fingers together and held their arms above his head. "Yes, oh yes…" he cried as he moved against Eddie.

The next few moments were soft whimpers and moans of pleasure. Eddie eventually had to claim one of his hands back and wrap it around himself. He was so hard it hurt.

"Oh…oh…oh…" Adrian cried as he spilled inside of Eddie.

As he felt Adrian release inside of him Eddie had never felt so connected to anyone in his life. It only took a second for him to spill over Adrian's legs. "Whoa…" he gasped.

"Wow…" Adrian echoed. He took in a few breaths as he pushed away from Eddie and rolled over onto his back.

Eddie didn't know what to say next…luckily Adrian had already leaned over to kiss him again.

No words necessary.

xxx

When Eddie woke up the next morning he rolled over and felt something that wasn't his normal body pillow. He cracked his eye open and saw Adrian's sleeping form next to him. Suddenly the events of the previous night came flooding back to him. Had that really happened? How could he have let that happen?

"Morning," Adrian said through a yawn. He looked over at Eddie with a sleepy smile.

"Um, hey…" Eddie said. He reached over the edge of the bed to retrieve his clothes.

"What's the rush? Do you have an appointment today?" Adrian asked. He propped himself up against his pillows.

"This was a mistake," Eddie said as he hopped on one leg trying to get his jeans on.

"A mistake?" Adrian asked…clearly not what he had been expecting to hear this morning.

"Yes, a mistake…I'm trying to get back on the right track and I can't let anything distract me," Eddie said to him. "My hearing is Monday…what if someone finds out about this?"

"Okay, how would anyone find out about this? And what does it have to do with your hearing? No one cares if you're in a relationship," Adrian replied.

"Relationship?" Eddie asked him. He grabbed his shirt off the floor.

"Okay, maybe using the word is jumping the gun," Adrian clarified. "But last night…I mean…that meant something…"

"How could you possibly ever think I'd want to be in a relationship?" Eddie asked him after tugging his shirt on.

The cold words cut through Adrian like a sword. "Right…what was I thinking. I was just a convenient way to relieve stress," he replied.

"Adrian…I…" Eddie stammered.

"I think you had the right idea before…you should go," Adrian said sharply.

Eddie opened his mouth a few times but didn't have the words. "Bye," he said simply before walking out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

"I'm ready to talk about Jill," Eddie told Dr. Tarus. It was their last therapy session together before the hearing.

"Is this because you're afraid I won't sign off on your suspension if we don't talk about her?" Dr. Tarus asked.

Eddie shook his head no. "Well, okay…maybe a little bit, but it's more than that," he admitted.

"What changed your mind?" Dr. Tarus asked.

"A lot of things," Eddie said to him. He rubbed his hand over his face. "Jill always thought I was a good guardian…and a good man. And I never ever wanted to let her down. But looking back over the past few months after she died…I did just that. I let her down. Maybe everything that happened in Palm Springs was beyond my control, but everything that happened afterwards was completely in my control."

"Mmmhmm," Dr. Tarus said and nodded his head.

"It felt like there was no point in even trying anymore. I had already screwed up the most important thing in my life…and I was probably bound to do it again. So I sprang into action without thinking because how could things get any worse, right? And I drank so I wouldn't have to feel the ache in my chest every time I thought about how my life wasn't anything like I imagined," Eddie said. "And even when I got the suspension I thought…okay, maybe this is it for me…and maybe I'm okay with that."

"But you've taken all the steps necessary to get your position back," Dr. Tarus mused. "So you must still care."

"I have two really good friends," Eddie said softly. "They helped me see that my life was worth fighting for…and in getting myself back on track I would be making it up to Jill as well."

"Sounds like they really care about you," Dr. Tarus commented.

"Yeah," Eddie said softly. "But I treated one of them pretty poorly…I doubt he even wants anything to do with me."

"I think you of all people should realize it's never too late to turn things around," Dr. Tarus said.

As much as Eddie wanted to believe that…he wasn't sure if it was true.

XXX

"I feel sick," Eddie said as he waited outside the door to the courtroom. The past weekend had been the longest of his life. The stress of the hearing weighed heavily on his mind…not to mention everything with Adrian. God, he was a mess.

Sydney rubbed his back gently. "You've done everything they've asked you to do," she said softly. "There's no way they're going to take away your position."

"Why do you think there's a delay?" Eddie asked. He looked over at her with a face filled with panic. The hearing was supposed to start at 9:00am sharp and it was now after 10:00am

"The case before yours is probably running long. It's no big deal," Sydney assured him.

"Maybe that's just what they want me to think," Eddie said with a groan. He leaned forward and put his head between his legs. "They're probably just torturing me as long as possible."

Sydney leaned forward so he was eye level with Eddie. "Negative thinking is the last thing you need right now," she said to him. "If you want the Council to think you're fit for duty act like you're fit for duty. Sit up, man up…and let's do this."

Eddie blinked a few times before righting himself. He folded his shoulders back and took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm okay," he said.

"Wow, I wish everyone listened to direction that well," Sydney said with a chuckle.

Before Eddie could respond the door to the courtroom opened. "Mr. Castile," a Court guardian said. Eddie nodded his head and rose to his feet. Sydney flanked him on his right side. "I'm sorry, but this is a closed session. You'll have to wait outside," the guardian explained.

Eddie felt his knees go weak when he heard that, but like Sydney had instructed he quickly got himself under control.

"I'll be right here when you get out," Sydney said. She gave his hand a quick squeeze. "And we can go celebrate."

"Thanks," Eddie said after a hard swallow. He glanced down the hallway one more time…hoping against hope that Adrian would appear. But there was no one there. He followed the Court guardian inside, the heavy door closing behind them.

"Please have a seat," Head guardian Fitzroy said and gestured to a chair.

"Thank you, sir," Eddie said. He nodded to all the members of the Council before sitting down.

"Mr. Castile. We are here today to determine your future at this Court and as a guardian in general," Head guardian Fitzroy explained. Eddie wasn't sure if he was supposed to respond so he just nodded his head. "It has been noted on several occasions that you behaved in a manner that defies appropriate guardian behavior. You've broken protocol on assignments and behaved in inappropriately while off duty."

Yeah, it was official. Eddie's life as a guardian was over.

"As you know we are bound to serve and protect our Moroi. The position of guardian is one of the utmost importance. We do not tolerate anyone who is lax in their duties. However, we've received reports from your therapists…as well as several character testimonies that show you've improved yourself over the past two months," Head guardian Fitzroy said. "And it is our recommendation that your suspension be lifted and you be immediately reinstated as a Court guardian."

Eddie let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. "Thank you…thank you, sir," he said.

"But let me make myself very clear Guardian Castile. If you put one toe out of line again you are done here," Head guardian Fitzroy said.

"Sir, I promise you I will be a model guardian. Thank you," he said to him.

Eddie was given his new assignment and quickly exited the room. Sydney was sitting on the bench waiting for him. "Well?" she asked him, scrambling to her feet.

"I'm back on duty," he said and scooped her up into a big hug, lifting her off the ground.

"That's great…that's wonderful…oh, I'm so happy for you," Sydney said with a big smile.

"I couldn't have done it without you," Eddie said to her after setting her down on the ground. "I'm sure your character testimony helped…in addition to everything else you've done for me."

"Oh, that was easy to write," Sydney said with a wave of her hand. "I offered to help Adrian with his…but he wouldn't let me."

Eddie's eyebrows knitted. "Adrian wrote one?" he asked her.

"Of course he did," Sydney replied. "Why wouldn't he want to help you?"

"I can think of a few reasons why," Eddie said with a sigh. "When did you guys write these?" he asked curiously.

"Over the weekend," Sydney explained. "They didn't give us very much notice. I would have liked to have had time to construct a few drafts, but…"

Eddie stopped listening to what Sydney was saying. If Adrian wrote the letter this past weekend…that was after…

Maybe there was still hope.

"I gotta go, Syd…we'll celebrate later…" he said and kissed her cheek before bolting from the Justice Building.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

"Oh, hi…" Adrian said when he opened the door and found Eddie standing on the other side.

"I'm probably the last person you expected to see," Eddie said to him.

"You have a tendency to be that person," Adrian responded, his face a blank slate.

He hadn't slammed the door in his face yet so he was taking that as a good sign. "I just got of my hearing," Eddie said.

"Right, that was today," Adrian said.

"I'm back on duty starting tomorrow," Eddie said.

"Congratulations," Adrian replied shortly. "Look, I'm kind of busy right now…"

"I just need a minute," Eddie said to him. "I know you don't even owe me a minute, but…"

Adrian sighed and opened the door wide enough for Eddie to walk inside. He sat down on the couch and Eddie took a seat next to him.

"The Head guardian said my friends wrote character testimonies on my behalf," he said to him. "And those really went a long way."

"Uh huh," Adrian said with a nod of his head.

"Sydney said you wrote one for me," Eddie replied.

"Yeah, I did…" Adrian confirmed, shifting in his seat a little awkwardly.

"So that means you wrote it for me after…the other night," Eddie said to him.

"You'd be right again," Adrian replied.

"After everything I said. Why did you do that for me?" Eddie asked softly.

"You're a good guardian," Adrian said to him with a shrug.

"I'm so sorry for everything I said," Eddie said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could even think about them. "The way I behaved that morning was inexcusable. I could use the stress of my hearing as an excuse, but that's not even it."

Adrian tilted his head to the side. "What was it?" he asked him, dropping his previous icy tone.

"I was scared of getting close to someone again," Eddie admitted to him. "What if I let you in and then you were gone…I mean obviously I never had THESE kinds of feelings for Jill, but it was the principle…"

"Eddie, I'm not going anywhere," Adrian said softly, scooting closer to the Dhampir on the couch.

"You don't know that," Eddie said. He tried to blink back the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.

"And you don't know either," Adrian pointed out. "If anything this whole experience has shown us that life is really precious and we have to live it as fully as we can. Well, in your case not QUITE so fully since you just got your job back and all, but you know what I mean…"

Eddie wiped at his cheeks and smiled a little. "Do you forgive me?" he asked him.

"Despite your idiotic tendencies you're a good person…and I kinda like you," Adrian said with a smile.

"I take that as a yes," Eddie said. He closed the rest of the space between them and wrapped his arms around him in a hug.

"So…what kind of feelings do you have for me exactly?" Adrian teased him after the hug ended and pressing their foreheads together.

Eddie blushed a little. "Shut up," he said with a laugh. "Speaking of words…what did you say in your testimony?" he asked.

"I can't let you read it…it'll go straight to your head," Adrian replied.

"Come on…please…" Eddie said murmured, leaning in and giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

"No fair," Adrian pouted after he returned the kiss. He leaned over the edge of the couch and opened up his laptop. He cleared his throat. "Character testimony for Guardian Castile…see I called you a guardian because despite what they said you never actually stopped being a guardian. Okay, here we go. I've known Eddie Castile for several years. In that time I have seen him perform the duties of a guardian exactly the way he was trained to. He is vigilant in every situation. He is strong in battle. He is logical in planning. He is ever ready to defend the Moroi in his care. But there's more to Eddie than just that. He is a kind and caring friend. He is always willing to lend a helping hand. He is loyal to a fault. He puts everyone's interests ahead of his own. I, myself, know a thing or two about losing focus. But I also know that when life challenges us we can either chose to let these things overrun us or chose to act. Choosing to act isn't always the easiest thing to do, believe me…been there, done that. However, I know that when you do act the rewards are worth it. Eddie has made some mistakes, no one is disputing that, but instead of just lying down and accept his fate he chose to rise above and better himself. I firmly believe it is in everyone's best interests that Eddie be reinstated as a Court guardian."

Eddie was speechless. "I'm…I don't even know what to say…" he stammered when he could finally form a thought.

"Can you believe Sage wanted to edit that? It's pure gold…I mean clearly it worked in your favor," Adrian said with a grin.

"You…" Eddie trailed off. "You really think all of that about me?"

"I meant every word of it," Adrian said sincerely. "But there's more…stuff I couldn't say in the statement."

"What more could you have said?" Eddie asked him.

Adrian set the laptop onto the coffee table. "That your forehead crinkles up when you're thinking really hard. And that your hand fits in mine like it was made just for me. And when you smile your eyes light up. That being with you makes me feel like I'm worth something…" he said softly.

Eddie swallowed hard. "You're amazing…" he whispered. "I wish I had the words to tell you how I feel…"

"Hey, I get it…you're not a poet…you're a man of action. And I can see it in the way you look at me. You don't need to say it," Adrian replied.

"This is unprecedented stuff for me," Eddie said softly. "I've never been in a relationship. I always thought my life wouldn't be my own."

"I never wanted to be in a relationship…until there was you," Adrian admitted softly.

"What do you think Jill thinks about all of this?" Eddie asked him.

Adrian looked up and then down at Eddie. "She's probably bummed she never got to see us make out," he joked.

"Adrian," Eddie said with a roll of his eyes.

"She's probably the one who arranged all of this. I mean…I think she's up there taking care of us," Adrian replied.

"I like that notion…" Eddie said with a smile.

"Alright, so now that all the talking is out of the way…" Adrian didn't even finish his thought before Eddie pressed his lips to his.

The end.


End file.
